How I’m processing an emergency C-Section

If you had told me that the birth of my daughter would end in an emergency C-section, I would have been filled with dread. The week before Sophie arrived, I was on a walk with my husband Caleb and I told him, “I’m so flexible on how all of this gos, the only thing I absolutely don’t want is a C-section.”

And yet, our birth story went basically the opposite of what I wanted.

I envisioned a natural birth at the birthing center, with baths, essential oils, and twinkle lights. I took hypnobirthing classes, and I did meditations daily to prepare for labor. I was excited to birth-it’s been a long journey back home to my body so giving birth was something I looked forward to.

Sophie was taken from my body in an emergency c section after complications with her heart. We kept losing her heart rate and found out later that she had been swimming in meconium for probably 2 weeks, and had her cord wrapped around her.

I wanted her birth to be peaceful, calm, free. Instead, her birth was chaotic, terrifying, and flooded with fear.

This week I’ve been processing how the most amazing day of my life also happened to be one of the most terrifying and traumatic. I’ve been sorting through how to hold immense gratitude for modern medicine - I’m unendingly grateful for my doctor and my doula - and for the ability to save Sophie’s life. I’m also heartbroken at the loss of birthing her in the way I wanted. I’m processing the grief of not having Caleb watch her entrance to the world. 

A c section is complicated because in some ways it feels like I didn’t get to give birth. And that for me is filled with grief.

But this perfect human is here- and safe- and the greatest gift of my life.

I’m learning to hold both. The expanse of grief and joy.

Caleb and I shared more of the story on the podcast this week- you can find the episode HERE!

Listen to HAPPILY TOGETHER: How we're processing an emergency C-Section.